Tuesday, July 31, 2012

In London, fortune favours a Jailbird

    In defying magnitude,the Commonwealth Games 2010 Organising Committee chairman, Suresh Kalmadi chose to wipe clean, soiled buttocks from all over the world, with toilet paper that cost $ 80 a roll. As a twist  of 'but(t)s' , relief  came in the form of counting bars in prison, in lieu of counting clean bottoms at leisure. That however did not deter his soiled hindsight from being persistent with legacy.

   The analogy groomed Mr Kalmadi as an expert on all kinds of paper meant to grease palms and hinds alike.Thus the jailbird ventured from tendering toilet paper for the Commonwealth Games 2010 at New Delhi, to selling them during the 2012 Olympics at London.The business model floored the British Parliament,very much like it did floor the Indian house of chaos . Afterall,the English politicians,like their Indian counterparts, were blessed with stiff upper lips and stiffer colonial hips, both which called for an adequate stuffing of the flimsy.
  Suresh bhai's hard selling waist liner only added to the bonding spirit of the games. Displayed on bumping bed boards and lumping toilet seats, the language crowned on Kalmadi rolls, a promising competitive feel.It read:-   

'launder the rear for a winning headstart'  

Now which participating country would leave any stone unturned in an effort to taste victory.To say the least, the ablution stone.Not taking a chance, they took to Kalmadi rolls like a fish to water No...a writer to paper !!! $ 80 is a small price to pay for national pride.

  So what if in his own country, the jailbird's travel jaunt set to peak the mountain of shame,has been castrated by judicial jurisprudence ? In London,the sporting community stood impressed (and clean of course).Danny Boyle promised to pay tribute to the cloud kissing price of the rolls in his next big performance.The British Monarchy have sc'rolls' of honour being readied to be bestowed on the Commonwealth Games 2010 organising committee. As for our man of the moment, Mr Kalmadi...Knighthood is only a 'roll' away.  $ 80 anyone ? 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

PRANAB on a platter

“Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.”  :- Orson Welles

On the 19 of July 2012, the Congress party did just that, reducing to record, the national political pastime as orchestrated flatulence.What an indigestible meal was made of a good prime ministerial candidate ! 

   What many are not privy to, is the little story behind this delicate gastronomic disaster that has taken days to contrive. Afterall, every grand feast good or bad, carts with it a story.

    Chef Diggy was busy sifting air in his makeshift scullery behind madams lawn when a commi de rang of questionable repute called Sibal, rushed to the floor of the kitchenette and bellowed " high time to create a masterpiece for the family." Chef Diggy was neither surprised nor shaken,but ever ready to please his masters. After all, he was the chosen one forced into both a political hiatus and a jesterly role, only to deliver the magnum opus.

   The insidious Chef and the crafty commi set to work. With the math done, the flavourings in place, the cold cuts ordered and the garnishes readied, what just did not fall in place was how to 'hunt down the game' which is to be marinated,cooked and served on a social platter. Their masters were neither hunters not connoisseurs of the taste buds, they were after all just gluttonous foodies who would chomp at anything that stood their measly way.

   Thus in wily party circles was coined the term 'sacrificial meal', where the man in the benevolent eyes of their masters was praised for having done so much for the nation and deserved a befitting retirement. He would be offered gratuity on a smouldering spit. The unsuspecting Babu moshai, also the erstwhile chairman of the Indian Statistical Institute,Kolkata, got his statistical count wrong,slipping,tripping,sliding and rolling deep into a coveted 'retirement grease trap'.
   Trimmed of matter,as enough has been said in my earlier rants, this is the third sequel in this blog devoted to the well garnished and tastefully served babu moshai. An emboldened reference to earlier posts illustrating the first citizen to be:
Press I to.. Dent 
(A dig at the 2012 Presidential Elections)

PRANAB MUKHERJEE : Needs must when the devil drives 
(A cynical profile of the aura that looms around the 13th President)



Sunday, July 15, 2012

PISSOMANIA (piss-oh-man-yeah)

'The golden trickle' is the latest health brew to have bombarded news headlines and muse punchlines alike. If one would have the privilege of being privy to reverse psychology, then what could possibly be wrong with reverse biology. After all, what goes around, comes around !!
The perfect ambassador for causes going around to come around, is the folly filled prince of attention seeking kidney discharge Swami Agnivesh.

While the medicated distillation  promises to give the word cocktail a new meaning , it also threatens to relegate future broths to literal 'piddle puddles' inside their respective lodgings.

When toasting with  liberal servings from the closet, the fly by night Swami saw self decorating opportunity in the punishment mooted out to a juvenile by the hostel warden of Visva Bharati University in Santiniketan. And loo behold, (literally) the man commences a rant about his urine flavourings and favourings.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Press I to.. Dent

The mangled clamour outside the Presidential estate has raised a nasty pile of uneasy queries. 

Lest  we lesser mortals plague our jinxed minds with simple questions pertaining to daily water supply, fuel price hike and energy conservation, the presidential candidates have one worded quips that race the confused length and ambitious breadth of their wondrous little heads. 

Permitted by the simple rules of satire, this illustration examines the polysemous question associated with each of our political brides men that could create a dent in marriages of convenience :

Ladies and gentlemen, the 'press-I-dent'